How to Get Laid

Our podcast about how to get laid

This podcast covers a very popular question that sex bloggers get asked ‘How to Get Laid’. We unpack what that means and as well as giving our usual kind and top notch advice.

We’re not going into solo sex here because we’re assuming that ‘getting laid’ is mostly about wanting something with another person or people. However it can be good to also think about how we might get our sexual needs met alone – because that is pleasurable in itself and because it can take pressure off feeling that ‘getting laid’ is the only way to get our sexual needs met.

There’s a spectrum of different kinds of experience that someone might want when they talk about getting laid. At one end would be one-off sexual encounters which could be quite casual, for example seeing a sex worker or having casual sex with somebody you don’t know. In the middle would be sex within the context of some kind of more ongoing relationship, but perhaps not a major or committed relationships, like friends with benefits, fuckbuddies, or meeting with a group of mates for some kind of sexual encounters or party. At the other end of the spectrum would be going after a longer term – perhaps romantic – relationship which ‘getting laid’ could be a part of, like dating or forming a romantic couple.

We touched on the privilege involved in ‘getting laid’ and how all these things can be easier or more difficult depending on our level of privilege. Beauty ideals in particular can make things easier for those who are deemed ‘conventionally attractive’ in this time and place. Disability can restrict access to offline and online spaces in various ways, as well as meaning people come up against others’ ableist assumptions about sex and relationships. Class and income can also restrict access to certain places and script for dating or hooking up. Location can make it a lot easier or more difficult. It’s important to be mindful about the politics of getting laid.

As well as thinking about what ‘getting laid’ means to you, it’s also great to consider the scenarios you’d enjoy for it. For example it might be a whole scenario about going out to a club, pulling somebody, dancing and kissing, and going back somewhere for sex. Or your preferred scenario might be expressing attraction with an existing friend and – if reciprocated – spending some time online and/or in person getting to know each others’ sexual desires and areas of compatibility before ‘getting laid’ in person. Alternatively you might prefer by far meeting somebody on a hook-up app and actually meeting in person to see whether there is a connection.

As always we suggest being very cautious around and cultural or personal scripts you might have regarding the best, right, or preferred way of getting laid. Not only do scripts often mean you don’t enjoy the present moment – because you’re aiming at a goal – they’re also bad for consent because there is a sense of expectation or hope for a specific outcome. Can you enjoy chatting without trying to turn it into pulling, or going back to somebody’s place without trying to ensure it ends in sex, or having sexual contact without trying to give or receive an orgasm? Oftentimes being present like this means those things are actually more likely to happen – because you’re not putting them under so much pressure – and, if not, you enjoy what does happen a lot more, and can have less worry that you acted non-consensually – because you’re checking in with yourself and the other person or people throughout.

If you like this you might like our guide to consensual hook ups, and also our relationship user guide zine.

We got this fab review of Enjoy Sex (How, When and IF You Want To)If you like our book too, could you also please please please review it somewhere or tell your friends?

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Oh hey! I’m over on my insta-stories sharing all my favourite parts of this incredible and important book “Enjoy Sex: how, when, and IF you want to” which is an incredible (and very short!) read on mindfulness, consent, and fulfilment around sexual relationships. Sex is too loaded and important to talk about in an outraged or sensationalised way – this book gets five stars and a social media shout-out from me because it is KIND. I’ve saved the best bits to a new tab in my highlights folder under my bio if knowing more floats your boat! At the end of the day, most of us are having some kind of sex, so baby, let’s talk about it nicely and with thought #laurajanesbookclub

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© Meg-John Barker & Justin Hancock. 2018