“The other day I was on my boyfriend’s computer and these porn images popped up which disturbed me. What should I do?”
This is a pretty common experience. In relationships we often don’t share absolutely everything about our sexuality with the other person, and it can be tough when we suddenly become aware of something that we didn’t already know. It can leave us with all kinds of questions, and the other person feeling pretty exposed and vulnerable.
Here we’re going to say a bit about how to deal with that initial shock, and then think some more about how we manage the separate and overlapping aspects of our sexuality in relationships.
So the first thing here is that you were quite suddenly exposed to a sexual image that you weren’t expecting. It’s totally understandable that you were shocked because you weren’t prepared for it and hadn’t consented to seeing those images. It’s important to treat yourself kindly and let yourself process the shock before worrying too much about what to do about it.
If you think about it, usually when we’re looking at porn or having a sexual fantasy it’s a journey with a beginning, middle and end where we progress along – perhaps with the intensity increasing to the end point. But what happened here is that you came in at the end of your boyfriend’s journey without any of that warm-up. Also it’s worth remembering that many porn sites have lots of different images and videos on them – try not to assume which ones your boyfriend was looking at until you’ve chatted with him.
Often when these kinds of things happened we can feel bad if we realise that our partner is into something that we’re not into ourselves. Perhaps it makes us worry about being undesirable or losing the relationship. It’s important to remember that in all relationships we’ll have some areas of sexual compatibility and some aspects of our sexuality that we don’t share in common. Also these things often change over time. So it could well be that your boyfriend being into this particular thing is no issue for your relationship with him.
In long term relationships people often find that, over time, there are some things they feel comfortable doing with a partner and some that they don’t. Sex advice often suggests that we should do all of the things that turn us on with our partner, but actually most people find that difficult and have some things they enjoy fantasising about which they don’t feel comfortable doing with the person they spend their everyday lives with.
The challenge for you both know is that this is out there between you now so you are going to have to deal with it. It’s great to wait till a time when you’re both relatively calm to have a big conversation, and to spend a bit of time thinking about it individually before you talk. It’d be good to think about how you want to talk with each other, what aspects you find difficult, and what you’d like to happen next. Otherwise it’s easy to go into a conversation where you become angry and he becomes ashamed and defensive, or you become sad and he just wants to make you feel better, for example, and it’s hard to talk openly under those kinds of circumstances. Of course it’s fine if you do have tough feelings during the conversation, but at such times it can be good to take some time out and agree to come back to the conversation when you’re feeling calmer again.
If your boyfriend doesn’t yet know that you know about the porn it’s worth thinking about how you bring it up. It can be a bit unequal if you’ve had lots of time to think about it and he hasn’t so you might want to send a message like ‘heyyyyy just saw some porn stuff on the computer that you forgot to close down. Can we have a chat later about how we want to deal with that?’ If you really didn’t like seeing it you might want to also be open about that, or if it was more that you were shocked but want to reassure them that it isn’t a huge problem you could say that too.
When you do talk, one key topic that you might want to discuss is which aspects of sex you each want to do together and which you’d rather keep sexual. It’s important to remember that you do both have a right to solo sex and that you will likely have some sexual fantasies that don’t involve your partner.
Privacy is another important one to discuss. If computers are part of either or both of your solo sex lives how can you keep them private from each other if it’s not something you want to share? It might be that you need to have some agreement over who uses which computer and under what circumstances. Privacy violations can be just as shocking as unexpectedly seeing porn. However, the person viewing the porn also has a responsibility to keep this private so that it can’t be stumbled upon non-consensually, just as the other person has a responsibility not to invade the other person’s privacy.
It can be particularly shocking if we see that our partner is into something that we actually regard as unethical or problematic. Here it’s important for you to reflect a bit on whether you were squicked by what you saw (i.e. it just wasn’t your thing and you’re freaked out to find out that it is his thing), or whether there is something unethical about what he was looking at (e.g. it was videos taken without someone’s consent or images featuring underage people). Again it’s worth being sure on this one because many sites include people role-playing being younger than they are, for example. If your partner is into something unethical then it’d be worth thinking about where your limits are around this, and some professional help from a relationship therapist or coach may be helpful to navigate this difficult territory.
If these ethical issues aren’t a concern and you manage to have the conversations you need to have this might be a good time to revisit where your shared and separate areas are. Our make your own sex manual zine can be a good starting point for such conversations. You may find that some degree of sharing your fantasies or porn can be an exciting thing to bring into your sex life together, or that each of you having some separate solo sexy times enhances what you do do together. Or you might want to put some firmer boundaries around what you do and don’t do together. Whatever the case this can be the starting point for some really useful conversations.
For more help talking with your partner you might find our sex or relationship zines helpful. We also have lots about consent, communication, porn and fantasy in our book Enjoy Sex.