In this podcast we decided to talk about ‘what is romance…’, unpack it and kind of put it back together in a different form.
By the end of the podcast we realised we’d followed a similar line to the line we follow with sex in our book Enjoy Sex (How, When and IF You Want To).
Sex:
- Not everyone experiences sexual attraction – there are plenty of asexual (ace) people.
- From ace people we learn that romantic love and sex don’t have to go together. Plenty of people – asexual and otherwise – have romantic love without having to express it sexually.
- Sex is generally very narrowly defined, and the idea that that’s the only ‘proper’ way of doing sex, and that everyone should do it that way, is bad for everybody.
- Expanding out what we mean by sex is an excellent idea.
- That expansion needs to include solo sex as an equally legit form as sex with other people
Romance
- Not everyone experiences romantic attraction – there are plenty of aromantic (aro) people
- From aro people we learn that romantic love and sex don’t have to go together. Plenty of people – aromantic and otherwise – have sex outside the context of romantic relationships.
- Romance is generally very narrowly defined, and the idea that that’s the only ‘proper’ way of doing love/relationships, and that everyone should do it that way, is bad for everybody.
- Expanding out what we mean by romance is an excellent idea.
- That expansion needs to include solo romance as an equally legit form as romance with other people
So let’s unpack romance…
Not everyone experiences romantic attraction – there are plenty of aromantic (aro) people
Like ace people, aro people often face non-consensual and coercive behaviour from others. In the same way as ace people are often disbelieved, told they haven’t found the right person yet, and have attempts made to get them to have sex, aro people face similar issues. Of course some people are both aro and ace and face double discrimination on this. For those who are aro and sexual, they often find that people they are sexual with try to coerce or persuade them into romantic relationships due to the common belief that having sex with somebody means you are in a ‘relationship’ (which is generally equated with a long-term, sexual, romantic, partnership), and on the relationship escalator.
From aro people we learn that romantic love and sex don’t have to go together.
Plenty of people – aromantic and otherwise – have sex outside the context of romantic relationships
Just as consent is vital in sexual encounters it’s also vital around romantic relationships. It’s not okay to assume that because sex has happened this means that a certain kind of relationship will unfold, or in a particular way. It’s a great idea for relationship assumptions to be part of any consent conversation.
There are many contexts in which people often have sex without romance, including hookups, friends-with-benefits, fuckbuddies, casual sex, sex work, and sex within romantic relationships where people are just not feeling romantic at that time. In fact many people find that trying to have sex in a specifically ‘romantic’ way doesn’t work for them, while others do like to bring the two together.
Romance is generally very narrowly defined, and the idea that that’s the only ‘proper’ way of doing love/relationships, and that everyone should do it that way, is bad for everybody
What do we even mean by romance? Are we talking about the cultural script which includes romantic meals, weekends away, romantic gestures (such as flowers) and words (such as ‘I love you)? If so this can be very limiting. We’ve talked elsewhere about the limits of romcom versions of romance and the damaging hierarchy that puts romantic love above all other kinds of love.
Something we include in our zine Make Your Own Relationship User Guide is Gary Chapman’s idea of Love Languages. We all prefer to give and receive love in different ways – in all kinds of relationships that we may have, not just ‘romantic’ ones. Many people will not enjoy some of the conventional ways of expressing romantic love. For example PDAs (public displays of affection like holding hands) can be deeply uncomfortable to some people, and dangerous for some. Loving words and terms of endearment can land with people very differently depending on how they were deployed in their family. Gift-giving and surprises can feel delightful to some, and an onerous obligation to others. As Billy Bragg wrote ‘No amount of poetry can mend this broken heart, but you can put the hoover round if you want to make a start’.
Expanding out what we mean by romance is an excellent idea
Perhaps rather than restricting romance to ‘romantic relationships’ and deciding whether or not we’re into them, it could be useful to expand out what we mean by romance so that it can become something that’s possible to have – or not have – in all forms of relationships. The term ‘bromance’, for example, refers to close bonds and intimate behaviour between guys and could be seen as a valuable step on the way to a kinder form of masculinity where guys do emotional labour with each others rather than relying on people of other genders to do it (and, let’s face it, this is pretty desperately needed right about now).
What might it look like to practise consensual romantic behaviours with our friends, colleagues, family-members, companion animals, and beyond?
That expansion needs to include solo romance as an equally legit form as romance with other people
This leads us to our relationship with ourselves. Solo polyamorous (and solo monogamous) people regard themselves as their primary partner. Perhaps we can all learn something from solo folk about the importance of treating ourselves as an important relationship in our lives. What might it look like to be romantic with ourselves? Perhaps giving ourselves a date night once a week which we make special, or going for a weekend away with ourselves, or getting ourselves little gifts.
© Meg-John Barker & Justin Hancock, 2018