Having done 50 or so episodes of the podcast we decided finally to talk in depth about penis-in-vagina sex (PIV).

The reason we don’t cover this much is because most sex education and sex advice focuses on it Way Too Much: to the point of suggesting it is sex, or the only ‘proper’ or ‘real’ form of sex. For this reason we generally try to knock PIV off its perch by emphasising the huge array of possible sexual, sensual, and erotic practices that people might enjoy which don’t necessarily involve genitals or penetration/enveloping at all.

However PIV is one kind of sex that people might want to do, so we ought to cover it. We start the podcast by pointing out that people often don’t enjoy PIV as much as they might because of the conflict between two big messages we receive about sex:

1. Sex = PIV
2. The goal of sex is orgasm

Most people don’t orgasm from PIV at all, or only rarely. Some stats are about 30% of women and 50% who can actually orgasm from PIV (according to scientific and not-so-scientific research, and the stats are yet to come in for non-binary folks).

So if you’re doing PIV with the hope of an orgasm you might well not enjoy it very much, or even feel bad.

If you still would like to do PIV therefore, we suggest the following in this podcast:

1. Don’t do it if it is remotely painful for you – either physically or emotionally – if that’s the case please explore other sexual, sensual and erotic options instead (if you want to)
2. Don’t do it with any goal in mind. Instead, tune into what’s enjoyable about the act itself. It might be the sense of intimacy that comes with having a body part inside another body part, or the experience of doing something which you’ve seen done a lot in media, etc., or it might feel transgressive if you don’t often do it, or you might like the sensations on your body, etc. etc. etc. Focus in on what kinds of things make it enjoyable for you – and for the other person involved – and try to be present to those beginning and during PIV, rather than aiming for anything in particular.
3. Consider various different ways of ending PIV – other than anybody’s orgasm – and find ones that work for both of you. You might simply stop once you’ve enjoyed it for a while, or when you start to feel a bit tired. You could come up with a ritual to end on: some shared eye-contact, or saying something to each other, for example. You could create a different climax than genital orgasm, such as breathing in ways that create a climax, or increasing the intensity or speed of bodily movements to a crescendo and then stopping or letting them slow and calm again. You might move from PIV into another form of sexual, sensual, or erotic contact.